Imaginary Friends (& Break Ups)

Source: Sean McMenemy

Perhaps I am destined to be a writer. I think in words, I think in words practically every second I'm awake.

I think in conversation. I talk to people close to me, to gameshow hosts, to shrinks, to fictional people that only exist in hypothetical scenarios I have concocted in my head. I talk to them and explain all my ideas and all my wonderful theories about how the world works and why people do what they do and why I am the way I am. I splurt out all my worries and I tell them why I have nothing to be worried about at all. I talk them through everything I'm doing (even if they wouldn't be slightly interested). I dominate the conversation and it's implied that they nod understandingly.

Yet I don't feel much need to talk out loud. I'm a private person and, unless you tap into just the right topic, I don't feel much need to share my thoughts. I suspect it's because I already have done with someone in my head. This person, in some ways, is the closest one to me. They hear things no one does and get the true me; unfiltered, vulnerable and embarrassingly neurotic.

Each phase of my life brings a new friend in my head to replace the old and it becomes very awkward when I have moved on to the next phase but the person has not 'updated' to someone more relevant. I feel uncomfortable letting this person so close to me when they no longer mean so much to me or I've realised they should have never been in the first place. This guilt and discomfort shows me that this 'friend' must mean something.

Source: Jenny Downing

And that makes me think, who should this head BFF be? Who should be closer to me than anyone else? I have begun to wonder what it would be like to speak to Allāh like I speak to these people; constantly, openly and intimately. Wouldn't that make me feel closer to Him?

The idea of it excites me. Every word I share would be heard, every single one, and without me having to even move my tongue. I could talk silently, just as I already do, and be communicating with the Master of the heavens and earth. Subḥānah! I wouldn't have to pretend like this person cares about what I had to say, I don't have to pretend because it is Allāh. He tells us He is near for a reason. He wants us to talk to Him.

"And when My servants ask you,, concerning Me - indeed I am near..." (Baqarah, 2:186)

It seems so logical and fantastically obvious, Allah needs to be my secret friend! And yet making that happen is easier said than done. Remember when I said my 'friend' would sometimes get outdated? It seems I can't quite change it instantly. But this time especially, I feel it's worth my energy to try. Some mornings, on my walk to work alone (prime chatting time!) I have consciously tried to redirect my internal speech to Allāh. What happened was fascinating to me. In less than a sentence I was making du'ā. I called out to Him and was asking Him for guidance, for help, for whatever I felt I needed to work through what I was thinking about.

"And when My servants ask you, concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me..." (Baqarah, 2:186)

My first instinct when I realised my Master, my Creator, the all capable Allāh was listening to me? To call out to Him to ask of Him, subḥānah. It's amazing how He knows His slaves.

For the few brief minutes I kept this dialogue up, I noticed that other aspects of my internal speech changed too. I complained to Him, but this complaining had a totally different slant to my usual internal rants, this moaning was optimistic, with the hope of support and comfort. I said more positive things and filtered out thoughts I know I shouldn't have. I became more of what He wants from me.

"And when My servants ask you, concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be guided." {Baqarah, 2:186)

Who I talk to in my head is a sickening indication of who is in my heart and I'm yet to master making the best of friends. I have a lot to work on for now and although it seems far away, I have hope in a blessing Allāh gave me.

"...I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me..." (Baqarah, 2:186)

Source: Audrey